Hey there ELITE.  I'm ZJ-TRUTH, and I'd love to tell you why I'm here.

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Love to, but can't.

Hi there, legal eagles, see, I'm being good!

Anyways, that's going to limit the things I'm allowed to say.  Incidentally, it's also why you're seeing me as a shadowy blur with a distorted voice.  At live events, I will be wearing a mask, and my microphone audio will be distorted to conceal my voice.  Yes, I checked, legal eagles, and it turns out I can explain that much.

So, since I can't share the reason I'm now a member of the ELITE roster, here's some shit that I am allowed to tell you:

I've been having this chit-chat with a Facebook pal of mine for a couple of days now.  See, it all started when I was saying that I really hate smug hippie shit on the Internet, and wondered if maybe these over-the-top slack-tivist spazztards could tell us about "waht's in teh burgers" without being complete assholes about it.

Most of my Friends hit the Like button.  One of them that didn't, was my over-the-top slack-tivist spazztard ex-roommate, who has been on disability virtually all of his adult life.  With the combined powers of Internet, Handi-Capability, Opinions, Free Time and Patchouli Rage, this guy formed OFFENDED HIPPIE CRIPPLE VOLTRON on my digital ass.

So, ironic, right?  My own unhelpful shit-head popping off at the mouth turned RIGHT into "why corporations are evil and how they ruin our lives, and fuck you for enabling it".  Big ol' lumpy bullshit jambalaya of "correct", "conspiracy theory" and "completely unrelated to my original point".

The jist of his squealing rage was basically something, like, food companies put poison mummy-shit in the beef, and grow tomatoes in a petri dish full of colon cancer, and then don't give us the choice to buy NON-EVIL food at the same price - basically, them durn fat-cats force us to buy the McMummyshit burger, by making it the only beef that poor people can afford.

Then, he said "And fuck you if you don't like hearing about it.  Don't try and censor me just because you don't like what you hear."



Really, dude?  "Fuck me"?  Hey, I'm not the one that can't tell the difference between "censorship" and "hey maybe being a granola jackass isn't really helping people".

"Fuck me". Feh.

This is some bullshit you throw out your car window at idiots who get all pissy because THEY can't figure out how a "Don't Walk" sign works.  The Surgeon General warning doesn't say "HEY FUCKHEAD: CIGARETTES ARE FOR LOSERS! QUIT SMOKING YOU REEKING SHIT!"  Nobody wants to take advice from self-righteous rage-beasts. 

Yeah, I get that you have the RIGHT to be obnoxious and smug, but guess what?  I also call bullshit on anyone pretending their screamy little blog posts and status updates about zombie farts in my Doritos are anything more than preaching to the choir.

I mean seriously - the companies you're bitching at, are they in your Friends List, genius?  Yeah, didn't think so.  So who are you screeching at?

Omigod, someone's putting antifreeze in your energy drink and using child labor to make your candy bars, and you have no choice in the matter?!  Damn corporations for doing that!

Um, no, dipshit.  How about, damn consumers for having unreasonable demands, based on unrealistic expectations, and zero fucking sense in general?  How about damn YOU, for thinking that you need corporations to give you more life options?

Yeah, I sense that disturbance in the Force.  How could it possibly be your fault?

After all, it's not like you choose to spend 99 cents on a hunk of candy made by orphans, right?  It's the evil corporations that forced you to crave African chocolate, Brazilian nuts and European nougat, and their use of cheap, unethical foreign labor is because they're EEEEEVIL, and has nothing to do with you not wanting to pay more than a buck for a stupid little Snickers bar.

C'mon, people.  Joe Corporate's just a greedy hoarding bastard that wants to make a profit.  He's not jerking off into your ranch dressing just to be wicked.  This isn't goddamn Captain Planet.

Cellulose is made from tree bark, it's a cheap filler with no nutritional value, and it's used in foods to create more product for less money - NOT because the Hostess Corporation's dark demon overlords demanded a new way to feed oak trees to stoners.  The reason you pay a buck-fifty more for Hebrew National hot dogs is because cheap parts makes cheap wieners, not because the owner of Generic Dogs LLC is tossing goat scrotums into the grinder and cackling about world domination.

Economics is based on math - y'know, that shit with numbers they make you do when you're buying cloves at the head shop with the pocket change you pulled out of MY couch, fucker. Corporations are not cat-stroking Bond villains, they're doing this repulsive shit because jobless scumbag whiners want 89-cent burritos and cheap macaroni shaped like Spongebob, and they know that if they can make that available to you, then you will buy it.

And sir, fuck YOU for thinking you don't have a choice.

Yeah, so it turns out the hot new artificial sweetener is made from Burmese toe fungus.  Guess what other options you have?

Buy real sugar.
Buy honey.
Grow your own sugar.
Build a beehive.
Go work for a company that makes honey.
Go join a hippie commune that has its own beehive.
Cowboy up and drink your tea with lemon.
Cowboy up further and don't drink tea.

There's lots of options, and you're bitching because you want the easiest ones to be even easier for YOU.

Corporate dependence isn't mandatory.  Stop asking the monocle-piggies for permission to live.

Oh, one other thing.  The "censorship" thing.

I prepared a statement for this shit.  'Scuse me while I whip this out.

A-hem.

Until the Internet becomes the 51st State, "Freedom Of Speech" does not apply.  Even if it did, "Freedom Of Speech" just means the government can't arrest you for speaking your mind.  It isn't a free pass from the consequences of barfing your malformed ideas onto the internet, it's not a catch-all defense to back up your unpopular ideas, and you can't hide behind it every time someone tells you that you're being obnoxious.  Yes, we both agree that you shouldn't go to Gitmo for calling Ron Paul a fagtard or for explaining why Bank Of America customers should be castrated.  BUT...

...and I actually spelled it here in all-caps, BUT...

Getting blocked or banned is not "Gitmo" - it's a natural reaction that many people have to self-righteous blowhards.  You may have the right to say whatever you want, but you also have the right to accept the consequences of what you say.

Seriously.  Fucking "censorship".  Feh.

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone accused me of "censorship" when I point out that maybe, JUST maybe, your spokesperson shouldn't be a white kid with dreadlocks and turd-rage.

Go look up the word censorship.  Go on.  DO IT.  Guess what word you won't see in the definition?

The word "SUGGESTION".

If I'm SUGGESTING that you take the dial off "11" on the Smug-O-Meter, then I am not FORCING you to do anything.

But hey, go ahead.  Keep mis-using that word.  Be free, little stink-dove.  Me and the rest of your pals will be over here, in this corner, calling you a hand-wringing bitch.

So.

ELITE.

That's some shit that happened to ME today, that I'm actually allowed to talk about.  My name is ZJ-TRUTH, and you'll be meeting me soon.

. . .

Cut.

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There.  That's my promo.  How's that, legal eagles?

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Uh huh.

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Yeah.

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Good feedback.

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Valid concern, but what am I supposed to talk about?

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No, fuck that.  You told me what I couldn't talk about, and I didn't talk about it.

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Well, that's pretty much my whole life before King Whitey McDipshit Of The Goat People came along, isn't it?  I didn't do shit else worth doing a whole damn promo about!

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Fuck you, I'm not calling him that.

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Hey, you want me to talk wrestling?  Give me an opponent.

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Alright then.

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Shit, you think I just got bus-ticket-to-Edmonton money dropping out my ass?  I had to sell my car just to get airfare to Ottawa...

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Oh, shit, really?  Yeah, I could chip in for gas and ride with Nedved. 

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Whatever, I bet we'd have a lot to talk about.

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OK, well, I got a ton of music on my phone just in case, it's cool.  Whatever gets me there.

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Yeah, I know, I can't tell him either.

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Hey, can we turn the camera off now?

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Because this meta post-promo banter bullshit is corny.

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Because Vince Russo, that's why.

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No, that's not a violation of the gag order, because Vince Russo is a public figure and I've never once met him.

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The POINT is, this is stupid.  Nobody buys that this is candid.  In fact, they still think what I'm saying now is a total wor... er, scripted thing, and who am I to correct them?  Nobody, that's who.  Just some no-story dude who can't even show his face.

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Y'know what, I'm done.  See you in Edmonton.