Too bad...ssssso ssssad...Val's all alone for Chrissstmasssss. 

The Desert Asp is sitting in a plastic covered Lazyboy recliner with his feet up and a bowl of edamame on chest.  He sticks one in his mouth and sucks out the pods, baring his teeth as he does so.  Asp is wearing a hideous Christmas sweater, sweats and socks that look like mummy bandages.  Below him on the carpet, two cute little boys are playing, each with a newly minted "Desert Asp" action figure.

But you assssk for no pity do you?  No...not Val...he'ssss too tough for all that.  He'ssss too cold and calloused.  Too much of an asssssss for anyone to love him this holiday ssseason.  Too unlikable himself to put hissss trussst in another human being.  The sssshame of it is...that it'sss not just human nature working againsssst you, Val.  It's the fact that you're sssssso dull.  The only way anyone could ssstand to hang out with you would be to ssssimply fall asssleep. 

Oh!  You sssshould go visit sssome quadriplegics!  That way they can't run away from your incesssssant babbling...vomiting forth countless words, like tossing one's feces from the famed tower of Babel.  Ha ha!  Just thinking of those poor cripplesss...ssstuck their in their bedsss, sssome Russian dorkus...looking like a weathered possssssum king, rattling on and on about hisss own persssonal philosophiessss and ssssuch.  Cripple assisssssted ssssuicide rates would go through the roof!

Deliccccioussss.

The boys look up at him, at each other, shake their heads and go back to their playing, banging the figures into each other.

The ironic thing issss that ssssuch a pathetic coward ssssuch as myssself ssssits surrounded by my loving family on Chrissstmas.  I only celebrate thissss holiday to make my mother happy, as besssides childhood nostalgia it meansss little to me.  But sssstill, I ssshow up, sssmile and enjoy the company, the cheer...the ssseason.  Without loved onesss to ssshare this time with...what'sss the point of even bringing it up?

Jusssst to make usss feel sssssorry for poor Val?  Ssssitting there alone, ssssipping his vodka and crying into his...beef ssstroganoff?  Sssssorry...not going to happen.  Or maybe jusssst to try and appear ssssuperior to the ressst of us common folk?  Nicccce try, Val.

Asp tears into another edamame pod, again baring his teeth, his lips quivering like writhing snakes.  It's probably supposed to be intimidating or something...it just looks creepy in a lame sort of way.  The little boys look grossed out and one of them says...

This is dumb.  I'm gonna pretend like mine is Lance Steadfast.

No fair!  I wanna be Lance!  He would SO beat Uncle Raahi.

HEY!  Pipe down!  I'm working here!  And when I'm working, I am the DESERT ASP!  Get it?  Got it?  Good.

They simply roll their eyes and keep playing, only now one of them thinks of his action figure as being much cooler than it really is.

As for all the sssurvival of the fittest...you forget...there are exccceptionssss to every rule.  In a fair ssssstraight up fight can a ssserpent best a lion?  Not likely.  But a clever and ssspeedy snake, may inject his venom into a lion before he can defend himssself.  We ssssaw just last week how that bloated but mighty elephant fell to this Asssssp'ssss deadly ssssting.

You may prove...fitter, Val.  But the clever Asp who picks his battles and his ssssspots very wisssely, can sssurvive just as well.

And jusssst imagine if you will...a deadly venomous creature like mysssself, hunting in a pack with wolves as hisss equal?  We sssshall besssst any poor beassst ssset before us...tearing flessssh from bone and intestines from bellies.  We'll paint the wallssss with your blood and hang your gutssss like garland when we're through with you, Val. 

The boys look up in horror at their uncle, but he doesn't notice.

This is just another sssstep in your sslow and painful dissssection.  When I take away your right to call yoursssself the ELW champion...HAH!  Ssssoon...very sssssoon.  J Crew's toying with you ssssshall end...along with your...LIFE...and we'll move on to another victim on our ssssure and ssssteady climb up the mountain...leaving you a bloody mangled carcasssss in our wake.

Jusssst because I don't eat meat...doesn't mean I won't use my fearssssome fangssss to tear you apart, Val.  Once my venom takessss affect, you'll be like a childsss toy on Chrisstmassss morning to me.  Sssshutting you up again will be a delectable.pleassssure.

Speaking of toys Uncle Raahi, why didn't you get us someone else besides just you?  Even Joshua Jones would be better than this.

Be glad I got you anything at all you ungrateful little cretins!

I'm going to the basssement to...work out.  No one bother me.

But you're supposed to be watching us, Uncle Raahi.

Watch yourself.

The Desert Asp  storms past them and slams the basement door behind him.  One of the boys makes a sign like he's lighting up a pipe and they both giggle before returning to their play.