Zillionaire Jones #1: The King Of Albania

WhackATroll

Once upon a time, in a mythical place called West Palm Beach Florida, there lived the happiest boy in the world. His name was Randall Amadeus Jones, and he was named after his grandfather Randall and his father's favorite dog Amadeus.

As a child, Randall was allowed to have any toy he wanted, any wish fulfilled, and yet, Randall only ever asked for the things that truly made him happy - coloring books and music. His father always tried to buy him other toys to play with - Legos, He-Man action figures, Atari 7800s, more Legos and Stretch Armstrong, for example - but Randall didn't want those. He only wanted the coloring books and the music.

This frustrated his father to no end. The father reasoned that any boy who only wants coloring books and music is simply not right in the head. The boy never wants to do schoolwork, or play outside, or get his driver's license and move the fuck out already, he just wants coloring books and music.

It wasn't the financial burden; the fact is, Randall's father was a very successful businessman. Thanks to her strong pedigree, Randall's father sold his favorite dog's pups on the Internet, netting over $500K a year. Furthermore, Randall never once met his mother in his entire life, and his father never spoke of her, so it wasn't like Randall's father couldn't easily afford to shack Randall up for the rest of his life. It's just that Randall's father thought that if one can grow a beard, then one can just as easily shave it off and get a damn job and at the very least buy one's own damn coloring books and music for crying out loud.

And, so it was, that Randall remained in an impossibly prolonged state of bliss, coloring with crayons and listening to music, until he was 23 years and three days old. On that day, he was scribbling some gradated dark-blue into the shadows of a Ninja Turtle's musculature (to make it really pop off the paper) and blasting a Phish cover of a Chumbawamba song (because I never said it was good music that made him happy). Like every day before this, Randall knew only happiness.

Then, from out of nowhere, he heard his father's last words:

"Randall, call the doc-"

Then a thump. Then, nothing.

Randall had absolutely no idea how to react to this, and couldn't remember how to operate a phone until the song was over. Of course, Randall's father was already dead when they got there.

Randall didn't know that his father had a bad heart, or that he'd been having headaches for the past week.

He also didn't know that his father actually died of a gunshot wound in the back, as he was fleeing Federal agents for his involvement in a dog-fighting ring. He learned that two hours later, breathed a sigh of relief that at least it wasn't his fault. and thus ended the only four and a half hours that Randall Amadeus Jones ever experienced true anxiety, guilt, or sadness in his entire life.

The house and all assets were of course seized as evidence. Randall Amadeus Jones was penniless, untrained, uneducated and homeless. But this didn't bother Randall, not one bit. For you see, he colored a lot of Popeye coloring books, and thus ascertained he could handle the Navy.

It is indeed true that the United States Navy is not a gee-darn thing like whatever navy Popeye was in. This did not stop Randall from trying to make it so. The only job he was any good at doing was mopping and food prepping, and so he was a mainstay of the galley, singing sea shanties as he peeled potatoes. Crew members usually gave him a wide berth, although there were a few that would talk to him.

One time, a radar operator named Gordon was punished for sneaking liquor into his bunk by working KP. On that day, Gordon and Jones sat side by side peeling potatoes, and Jones let Gordon do most of the talking. Gordon ranted and complained and bitched about how poorly the Navy was paying him, which somehow segued into the value of a dollar. And, at some point, Gordon mentioned that he once heard that if you had American money, and you lived in Albania, you would live like a king.

This caught Randall's attention - he always thought it would be cool to be a king, but had no idea until now that this option was available.

Gordon then said the words that caused the plan that caused the man:

"Yeah, like, if you had, like, ten thousand dollars, you could go to Albania and be, like, a zillionaire."

And for the first time in Randall Amadeus Jones' life, he had ambition - to be a zillionaire king of Albania.

Two days later, Jones was called into the Captain's office, and informed that he would be granted shore leave, stateside, to attend to the last of his father's business. At the meeting with the lawyers, it turns out that after all was said and done, it was determined that Randall was owed back some of the money that his father made through legitimate means: a sum of $24,572.74.

Randall wasn't great at math, but he knew that sum was well over his $10K fund-raising goal. He went back to his ship, stripped naked, and refused to put on a scrap of clothing until he was released from the Navy on a Section 8, three hours later (it turns out they already had one ready to go).

In four days, he was in Albania. He wandered from town to town, on foot, asking every single person he met who he needed to talk to in order to get his crown. And they'd ask him, why was he looking for his crown? And Jones would explain that he was a zillionaire and thus ready to become King Of Albania.

Well, this just amused the living shit out of Albania, let me tell you - and not just because they had no clue was a "zillionaire" was supposed to be. Jones wandered all over Albania for nearly two years, searching for the person that would crown him King Of Albania. He became an amusing anecdote, then a folk tale, then a piece on the news, and then an Albanian legend.

Which is why, one year ago, the mayor of Tirana, Albania saw an opportunity for a wacky campaign stunt, and stepped forward as the man who would crown Zillionaire Jones. Over 500,000 Albanians attended the coronation, each and every one of them in on the joke, each and every one of them still having the time of their lives "bowing" to the new King Of Albania, and being obedient to his every desire:

Pretty much still just comic books and music.

Oh, and wrestling, he likes that too, as it turns out. "Being fond of wrestling" is an essential character point for a wrestler I would imagine. So they taught him how to do that as well.

Anyways, there's no way of knowing conclusively if he lived happily ever after, because he's still alive and living happily. He has decreed that it is time to give back to his Albanian subjects, and has chosen to do so on literally the grandest stage on Earth - the global television empire that is European League International Television Entertainment. The world will watch, as the King Of Albania brings Albanian pride and Albanian honor to this global summit of dishonorable non-Albanians. The world will see that Albania is a mighty nation, ruled by a mighty King.

And, perhaps, the world will take their next vacation in scenic Albania?

Howdy, Stranger!

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